Looking back on the past 5 years of my life

It snowed here last night.

That’s probably a pretty common thing you’d hear from someone who lives in Canada. But where we live, on the West Coast, snow is rare, and thus more beautiful.

It’s almost all melted now. The sun is out and the air is warm, much warmer than the rest of the country.

I am brought back to February of 2018, when I first came to visit Vancouver and the University of British Columbia. I was meeting with my potential graduate degree supervisor; I couldn’t sleep at all the night before. I was excited, nervous, awake. I watched as gentle snow flakes floated down onto the patio table outside my window and accumulated. It felt like home.

After three hours of sleep, I awoke the next day to a warm sun, much like today’s, and watched as the snow already began to melt. Where I’m from, the snow sticks around for months, mocking you. It makes you question why you live there, why your ancestors would ever settle there.

I made my way to the school, and was awestruck by the green grass poking up through the melting snow, the buds on the trees. Spring was here, I could feel it.

And as I walked up the steps to meet my future, I felt sure, and confident, and excited more than anything else. I was sure this would be my home, in only a few short months. No more long, frigid winters for me!

I didn’t know that day that I would not come to enjoy my graduate school experience, that it would take everything out of me and more. I didn’t know it would break me, that I would experience symptoms of depression, and cry in the mornings because I had to face yet another day. I didn’t know that the world would come to a halt because of a microscopic virus, and that my one chance at attending an international conference abroad would be stolen from me, the one thing I knew would make all my suffering in school worth it. And I didn't know I would leave school feeling empty and depleted, the past three years having gone by in a blip but also feeling like the longest three years of my life, and how long it would take to recover.

Left: Me at the beach on a sunny February afternoon in 2018. I couldn't believe how warm it was and that there is a beach in the city! Right: me five years later, not too far from where the first photo was taken, still just as in awe of the view and the weather 😎

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But today, my life is very different. I am done school; I have the fancy title after my name. I have a job that pays much better than grad school did. I live with the man I love in a sunny apartment. Sure, I still have bad days, because the world is still a terrifying and cruel place, and I remain envious of that girl, that past me, who was filled with excitement for the new adventure on which she was about to embark.

I hope I get to feel that spark again one day.